Been a while

So I haven't really blogged in a while; for many reasons.  I find I write when I have a lot on my mind, but I think I'll write right now just because I love it.  :) Ok, so a lot has happened.  Kyle and I competed at Lake Placid and skated really well.  Not perfect, but we had a lot of fun.  In the end, when I am done with skating and getting on with my normal life...I think the memories I have from skating aren't going to be my competition scores, but what I saw and felt when I was out on that ice.  There are no words, but it's simply amazing.  As much as training may wear on me; there is no doubt that every time I step on the ice I feel it in my heart. Well, enough of that sentimental stuff. I went on vacation in Florida with my family and it was nice to have a break from the rink for a week.  Needless to say, Florida was awesome.  Getting back into skating again...not so awesome haha.  However, Kyle and I surprisingly got back to where we left off within a day or so. Thank god.  On the educational front...it's feeling a bit stormy.  I just started studying for the LSAT's...not fun.  Dear college, you never taught me how to answer riddles.  Thanks for that.  Getting into law school is deeming to be a challenge.  How do people even know what is the ideal career for them?  What if you go through everything and realize one day..it just wasn't what you wanted.  I guess that actually happens a lot.  I see the difficulty in realizing what's not right for you...but I see it more in finding the strength to start all over again.  I went for a really long run today, and everything just seemed so clear.  I can't really explain, but everything felt so good and I was exactly where I wanted to be.  Why can't my view on a career feel the same way? They always said running away is easier than facing reality. haha.  Maybe it's impossible..or maybe I'm just doing something wrong.  I'll figure it out :D Sometimes all you have to do though is go for it, and never be afraid to make mistakes.
~Dreams don't pay the rent, but that doesn't keep us from dreaming.

Happy Birthday America

So it's the  4th of July, and I'm driving back to De from Pa soon.  You know, it's worth it though...going back and forth.  Sometimes when I get so exhausted and so tired, I just get down on myself and wonder why I try to do everything.  In the end though, we only live once and I don't want to miss a thing.  It's really hard to explain how you feel when you are stuck between two worlds.  The skating world is sooo different from the world of a college student.  I was going to say skaters are different from normal people, but that's not fair.  Normal is widely open for interpretation. There are positives and negatives to both worlds I suppose.  Skating is a passion and always will be.  It's solid; so even when you don't see results, you still have that love inside you.  When you are on the ice you can speak a million words without making a sound. In the "real" world, if you don't speak your mind, you will neverrr get what you want.  It's crazy when you get more nervous for reality than to skate in front of thousands of people. However, you know nothing is perfect. It's what we make it out to be.  If I could draw a picture; it would be me in the middle with the skating world on my left and real world on my right and I keep running towards one while the other screamsss.   Don't take it so dramatically, but I think it's a decent model.  So sometimes I think you just need to turn your mind off and throw your hands the air.  Screw it.  Use your heart, take chances, get hurt, push yourself...not everything in life will go well or feel good, but if we don't know what the bad feels like...we will never know how good the good really is.  And you always have to know that when you take a deep breath and still feel that fire burning, you have to go for it.  Fires only burn for so long

Let me be me and you be you.

So my 21st birthday was yesterday.  Thank you everyone so much for the wonderful birthday wishes!  It meant a lot to me.  So next week the actual summer training schedule for skating starts.  The schedule is super weird now.  I can't even fathom how I am going to feel when I get to the rink next week.  I usually can't walk the first week of summer training, because I am so sore.  Also, we usually have to be at the rink from around 6:20 am to 2 pm.  However...it's worth it.  Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm so ready for this season...well..I will be! ;)  So, besides summer training and birthday festivities; I'm on summer vacation from school!  I made dean's list for the first time! I was so excited about that.  I know, it's been a long time since I last blogged, but life is going pretty well.  I can't complain.   I've had my ups and downs the last month.  I found ways to break through the rough patches though.  Just..for the records..I'm not complaining.  I am so thankful for the life I have and the people in it.  So I've been running a lot.  It's so calming.  It just clears my mind and I can just take in what is around me.  It always feels like I'm going somewhere, and I love it.  I actually ran a half marathon with my brother a few weeks ago.  We finished in the top pack, and it was absolutely amazing.  I couldn't walk for a few days after, literally.  If a wheelchair was readily available I probably would have used it. However, it was so worth it.  It was a run to raise money for the fight against cancer.  Random people on the streets cheered on the runners, and people cried.  Oh my it was an great experience.  The people who handed out the medals were all cancer survivors.  At the finish line I just went and sat on a curb, because I wanted to die.  This little girl ran up to me and gave me a medal and a hug.  I can't even describe what I felt, but that was a rush...even after 13.1 miles.  So I also did a 5 mile run around campus with the delaware running company.  So I walk in and everyone is ripped...I'm the only girl...and they are all talking about their marathons and finishing first in their age group.  I was like.."I'm a figure skater". haha So I thoughttt it'd be a piece of cake..5 miles isn't bad.  Holy hell....they sprinted the whole thing.  They wouldn't leave me behind, because I didn't know the trail..so I was like trying so hard to sprint with them...like wanting to throw up..it was so hot...the whole time I was thinking that I should have never of done this.  I should have known they were hardcore when we left the running company and they all stripped their shirts and their muscles were like twitching.  As we ran by a funeral on Park Place, I almost turned to the ultra-ripped guy sprinting next to me like..."Hey guysss, this is my stop". Needless to say...after all that...I felt great after that run.  I think I'll go again this week.  Oh! and next Friday I'm seeing Dispatch at Terminal 5! I am soooo excited.  I love them, and I love the city. It's going to be a great time.  Ok, this blog is quickly getting too long, so I'll leave it at this.   I got amazing presents for my birthday from my friends, I love them all and they were all perfect for me.  One was a simple journal...and I'm in love.  I write all the time.  I've been told this, but what makes a journal so amazing is that it's open to anything.  Everything you write in a journal is completely you, free from influence or judgements.  It's just full of empty pages, waiting for your stories.  A journal is needy, waiting for the rest of your life; every memory always yours.  The simplest things can be so perfect.  :) I'll write again soon!

walking on the edge.

So it's the final countdown in school and skating right now.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  I've been kind of down, stressed, and just not even capable of putting together rational thoughts.  So much has happened!  First I'll start with skating.  Generally it's going really well.  I have so much fun doing our new free dance and am excited to keep working on it.  My achilles is also getting so much better, but still gets swollen every now and then.  We have a small vacation starting next week, which works out perfectly with my finals.
School is coming to an end.  We have less than three weeks left, and of course I feel the stress and pressure now.  This is that time of the semester where no matter how much work you do, you feel like it will never end.  I feel...like I am running in place..in the sand...with a weight tied to my back.  It's exhausting, and honestly at this point, mind over matter.
In other aspects of life, I'm just...crazy.  I don't even know where to start.  Within the last four days I got locked out of my apartment twice.  The first time they took an ax to my door to let me in and the second time I had a spanish guy get a ladder and climb through my window.  The latter of the events (no pun intended) was of course Mother's Day.  Surprisingly though, while watching a complete stranger crawl through my office window, I found a two dollar bill in the grass.  It is currently taped next to my door with a note underneath; "Don't forget your keys".  Mother's Day was lovely though otherwise.  I have the greatest family.  This sunday I am running the Maryland Half Marathon with my brother to help raise money for cancer.  You know, I think I will be ok getting through it.  I've been running everyday for the past three weeks now, and I feel great.  I went running today and it was so beautiful out.  I ran for a little over an hour in some small neighborhoods as the sun was setting.  The trees smelled so good, all the flowers were in bloom, and as I was running; I saw an elderly woman being dropped off at her home in a wheelchair by paratransit.  I thought to myself, I should never ever waste a moment of my life feeling sorry for myself.  I'm sure she is and has been living a wonderful and I don't mean what I say now in any way that she is living a bad life.  However, she does not have the luxury I had of carrying myself to see the things I did.  Running makes me so incredibly happy.  It's my part of the day where I can just let go of whatever is on my mind and just go.  I do get the same sensation with skating.  I love it so much, but running is just me..no one else.  I have complete control over myself.  So as I ran past this woman being dropped off..I ran around the bend to where there was a flower bed and some trees and I just stopped.  For some reason I just cried.  I sat down next to one of the trees, and just let it all out..tears pouring down my face.  I'm not sure if the tears were out of joy, sadness, or fear; but they felt good.  I'm glad no one drove or walked by haha.  Eventually I stood up and ran the rest of the way home.  Never have I had a run that felt so cleansing and relieving.  Wish my brother and I luck in the half marathon Sunday.  :)
~Without the nourishment of our tears, we can never grow~

Look at me now.

There are many things in life I don't understand.  There are also some things in life I do understand, and those things, I embrace.  Of course I've been hurt before, but I dealt with it.  It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through, but hey...I'm still alive and smiling everyday.  The most difficult thing by far is to see someone you love, a family member, be gone in an instant.  I'm not a life expert by any means when I say these things.  However, these things are essential to growing up.  Just because your situation is similar to someone else does not mean they are the same.  Every person is different and every person reacts differently.  Reactions and people make up situations and these factors most people forget to take into account.  The biggest mistake in life is to run it on circumstance alone.  That's like deciding to have a bad day, because it's raining outside.  Obviously some circumstances are so great that it's impossible to surpass the side effects.  It just hurts, but it's out of your control! Growing up means making a decision YOU truly wanted and sticking to it.  Growing up means being able to deal with the consequences of your decisions, and not backing out when times are difficult.  Growing up is being able to admit that you were wrong or a complete jerk.  I think most importantly though; growing up is accepting the fact that you cannot please everybody, and that does not make you a bad person.  It is ok to be upset about something.  Do it!  Cry a river, but when you are done throwing your pity party; build a boat, clear your mind, open your eyes, and see the world.  Every upset builds us a new path to something bigger than we knew before, and every obstacle makes us realize who we are.  You just have to decide what you want and let it happen.

Don't let life pass you by.

I just came back from a really long walk.  I thought it was going to be warm out so I wore shorts.  Once i walked for like five minutes, I was just like..no, no, I can't do this...so I drove back home to change and then drove back to the park. I know..I can be an idiot sometimes.  Anyways, I found that I do most of my thinking either when I'm walking, running, or driving.  It makes sense I suppose.  So, today I was very nostalgic.  I tend to get like that when I'm tired, or relaxed.  It started off with thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.  It scared me how many times I have changed my mind about my future.  I always come to the question of why did I not pursue becoming a doctor.  Sometimes it saddens me that I probably screwed up that prospective career goal by letting life's circumstances interfere.  I guess that is what living is all about though, right?  It's about being happy with who you decide to be, making choices on your own, and dealing with the consequences.  I am who I am today, because of the choices I have made.  My first heart break really screwed up my entire life.  I hate to say that...I despise that time in my life so much.  When I say despise, I am referring to myself, not anyone else.  I get so upset that I let myself be so defeated and that I blamed myself every single day.  I did not deserve that, but these are the things you realize as you grow up.  The people in my life at the time made me realize that, and I don't know what I would do without them.  It amazes me, that we solely connect the heart with love and emotions.  The heart is just an entity that keeps us alive.  So now that I think of heartbreak...maybe it's just our minds telling our hearts that we don't know how to go on, and that message we do feel.  So in the end, our minds are what we need to focus on in times of hardships.  Our minds are what keeps us going, and we decide when we want to just let it all go and be genuinely happy.  This can only happen though the moment you stop blaming yourself and realize that not everyone is going to love you, which is ok!  I also thought a lot about skating and how it's affected my life.  I'm so glad my parents did not let me be homeschooled.  I honestly think there is no need for it.  I love skating with all my heart, and I never regret a second I'm out there.  However, I do believe in an education.  I am so glad I got to experience normal high school and college.  Maybe I don't have a normal college life, but I'm ok with that.  So maybe, skating and my attitude in the past did have an affect on future opportunities, but I don't regret them at all.  That is what life is all about isn't it?...messing up, and finding the strength to start all over again.  I would change nothing in the world for what I have right now.

SPRING BREAK

Life. Is. Splendid.  It's like splenda; sweet, but no calories! Ok so clearly, I've lost part of my sanity this past week.  Here's the deal, I had three exams/midterms this last Wednesday.  American politics was a peace of cake. Art History and my Computer Ethics classes were slightly more intellectually demanding.  My art history class is right before my computer ethics class, so I pulled out my flash cards right before class to study up.  Computer ethics was the class I was most worried about, since computer language to me is like a foreign language.  My art history teacher grabbed my flash cards from me, and I wasn't really worried about getting in trouble for studying for another class in class, but I was worried he wouldn't give them back.  I was desperate, ok!  So he didn't say anything, he just started quizzing me in front of the entire class.  I didn't know anything!  I wasn't embarassed, just panicked.  He kept laughing at me and he finally gave the flash cards back and was like, "I hope you believe in good luck". HAH. Well, needless to say,  my computer ethics exam was really hard.  When the exam was handed out, the entire class started laughing after reading the first question.  My professor is one of those teachers who picks out the most minute details from the text; changing one word from a directly cited sentence and ask if it's true or false.  Luckily, or unfortunately, the true and false questions were basically the fill in the blank questions as well.   So, if I got a true and false wrong, then I got the fill in the blank wrong as well.  What a sly fox, that guy. All I can truly hope for is that luck was on my side.  I think I did pretty well though.  I really wanted to blog earlier this week, in the mayhem.  However, it was one of those times where I had so much to do and was so stressed out, that I either did not have the time to blog, or I didn't have the energy to blog.  I feel the life coming back into me though, and I truly am happy.  I still had two classes today and I could tell spring break was tiptoeing outside the classroom door.  Kyle and I have theater class together and we usually can tell our professor's mood by the way he dresses.  When he pulls out the purple vests and floral shirts, we know it's going to be a feisty class and he's in the mood to talk a lot.  When he is sporting his glasses, we know...he's not in a good mood. So today, he walked in with authentic cowboy boots on...we knew what was up.  He went off on really funny tangents about his childhood and his cell phone.  What a great class.
On another note, it's my spring break and I'm so ready to just skate and chill, and feel like I have time to just breathe.  I'm so excited...let the shenanigans begin. ;)