Been a while

So I haven't really blogged in a while; for many reasons.  I find I write when I have a lot on my mind, but I think I'll write right now just because I love it.  :) Ok, so a lot has happened.  Kyle and I competed at Lake Placid and skated really well.  Not perfect, but we had a lot of fun.  In the end, when I am done with skating and getting on with my normal life...I think the memories I have from skating aren't going to be my competition scores, but what I saw and felt when I was out on that ice.  There are no words, but it's simply amazing.  As much as training may wear on me; there is no doubt that every time I step on the ice I feel it in my heart. Well, enough of that sentimental stuff. I went on vacation in Florida with my family and it was nice to have a break from the rink for a week.  Needless to say, Florida was awesome.  Getting back into skating again...not so awesome haha.  However, Kyle and I surprisingly got back to where we left off within a day or so. Thank god.  On the educational front...it's feeling a bit stormy.  I just started studying for the LSAT's...not fun.  Dear college, you never taught me how to answer riddles.  Thanks for that.  Getting into law school is deeming to be a challenge.  How do people even know what is the ideal career for them?  What if you go through everything and realize one day..it just wasn't what you wanted.  I guess that actually happens a lot.  I see the difficulty in realizing what's not right for you...but I see it more in finding the strength to start all over again.  I went for a really long run today, and everything just seemed so clear.  I can't really explain, but everything felt so good and I was exactly where I wanted to be.  Why can't my view on a career feel the same way? They always said running away is easier than facing reality. haha.  Maybe it's impossible..or maybe I'm just doing something wrong.  I'll figure it out :D Sometimes all you have to do though is go for it, and never be afraid to make mistakes.
~Dreams don't pay the rent, but that doesn't keep us from dreaming.

Happy Birthday America

So it's the  4th of July, and I'm driving back to De from Pa soon.  You know, it's worth it though...going back and forth.  Sometimes when I get so exhausted and so tired, I just get down on myself and wonder why I try to do everything.  In the end though, we only live once and I don't want to miss a thing.  It's really hard to explain how you feel when you are stuck between two worlds.  The skating world is sooo different from the world of a college student.  I was going to say skaters are different from normal people, but that's not fair.  Normal is widely open for interpretation. There are positives and negatives to both worlds I suppose.  Skating is a passion and always will be.  It's solid; so even when you don't see results, you still have that love inside you.  When you are on the ice you can speak a million words without making a sound. In the "real" world, if you don't speak your mind, you will neverrr get what you want.  It's crazy when you get more nervous for reality than to skate in front of thousands of people. However, you know nothing is perfect. It's what we make it out to be.  If I could draw a picture; it would be me in the middle with the skating world on my left and real world on my right and I keep running towards one while the other screamsss.   Don't take it so dramatically, but I think it's a decent model.  So sometimes I think you just need to turn your mind off and throw your hands the air.  Screw it.  Use your heart, take chances, get hurt, push yourself...not everything in life will go well or feel good, but if we don't know what the bad feels like...we will never know how good the good really is.  And you always have to know that when you take a deep breath and still feel that fire burning, you have to go for it.  Fires only burn for so long

Let me be me and you be you.

So my 21st birthday was yesterday.  Thank you everyone so much for the wonderful birthday wishes!  It meant a lot to me.  So next week the actual summer training schedule for skating starts.  The schedule is super weird now.  I can't even fathom how I am going to feel when I get to the rink next week.  I usually can't walk the first week of summer training, because I am so sore.  Also, we usually have to be at the rink from around 6:20 am to 2 pm.  However...it's worth it.  Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm so ready for this season...well..I will be! ;)  So, besides summer training and birthday festivities; I'm on summer vacation from school!  I made dean's list for the first time! I was so excited about that.  I know, it's been a long time since I last blogged, but life is going pretty well.  I can't complain.   I've had my ups and downs the last month.  I found ways to break through the rough patches though.  Just..for the records..I'm not complaining.  I am so thankful for the life I have and the people in it.  So I've been running a lot.  It's so calming.  It just clears my mind and I can just take in what is around me.  It always feels like I'm going somewhere, and I love it.  I actually ran a half marathon with my brother a few weeks ago.  We finished in the top pack, and it was absolutely amazing.  I couldn't walk for a few days after, literally.  If a wheelchair was readily available I probably would have used it. However, it was so worth it.  It was a run to raise money for the fight against cancer.  Random people on the streets cheered on the runners, and people cried.  Oh my it was an great experience.  The people who handed out the medals were all cancer survivors.  At the finish line I just went and sat on a curb, because I wanted to die.  This little girl ran up to me and gave me a medal and a hug.  I can't even describe what I felt, but that was a rush...even after 13.1 miles.  So I also did a 5 mile run around campus with the delaware running company.  So I walk in and everyone is ripped...I'm the only girl...and they are all talking about their marathons and finishing first in their age group.  I was like.."I'm a figure skater". haha So I thoughttt it'd be a piece of cake..5 miles isn't bad.  Holy hell....they sprinted the whole thing.  They wouldn't leave me behind, because I didn't know the trail..so I was like trying so hard to sprint with them...like wanting to throw up..it was so hot...the whole time I was thinking that I should have never of done this.  I should have known they were hardcore when we left the running company and they all stripped their shirts and their muscles were like twitching.  As we ran by a funeral on Park Place, I almost turned to the ultra-ripped guy sprinting next to me like..."Hey guysss, this is my stop". Needless to say...after all that...I felt great after that run.  I think I'll go again this week.  Oh! and next Friday I'm seeing Dispatch at Terminal 5! I am soooo excited.  I love them, and I love the city. It's going to be a great time.  Ok, this blog is quickly getting too long, so I'll leave it at this.   I got amazing presents for my birthday from my friends, I love them all and they were all perfect for me.  One was a simple journal...and I'm in love.  I write all the time.  I've been told this, but what makes a journal so amazing is that it's open to anything.  Everything you write in a journal is completely you, free from influence or judgements.  It's just full of empty pages, waiting for your stories.  A journal is needy, waiting for the rest of your life; every memory always yours.  The simplest things can be so perfect.  :) I'll write again soon!

walking on the edge.

So it's the final countdown in school and skating right now.  I know I haven't blogged in a while.  I've been kind of down, stressed, and just not even capable of putting together rational thoughts.  So much has happened!  First I'll start with skating.  Generally it's going really well.  I have so much fun doing our new free dance and am excited to keep working on it.  My achilles is also getting so much better, but still gets swollen every now and then.  We have a small vacation starting next week, which works out perfectly with my finals.
School is coming to an end.  We have less than three weeks left, and of course I feel the stress and pressure now.  This is that time of the semester where no matter how much work you do, you feel like it will never end.  I feel...like I am running in place..in the sand...with a weight tied to my back.  It's exhausting, and honestly at this point, mind over matter.
In other aspects of life, I'm just...crazy.  I don't even know where to start.  Within the last four days I got locked out of my apartment twice.  The first time they took an ax to my door to let me in and the second time I had a spanish guy get a ladder and climb through my window.  The latter of the events (no pun intended) was of course Mother's Day.  Surprisingly though, while watching a complete stranger crawl through my office window, I found a two dollar bill in the grass.  It is currently taped next to my door with a note underneath; "Don't forget your keys".  Mother's Day was lovely though otherwise.  I have the greatest family.  This sunday I am running the Maryland Half Marathon with my brother to help raise money for cancer.  You know, I think I will be ok getting through it.  I've been running everyday for the past three weeks now, and I feel great.  I went running today and it was so beautiful out.  I ran for a little over an hour in some small neighborhoods as the sun was setting.  The trees smelled so good, all the flowers were in bloom, and as I was running; I saw an elderly woman being dropped off at her home in a wheelchair by paratransit.  I thought to myself, I should never ever waste a moment of my life feeling sorry for myself.  I'm sure she is and has been living a wonderful and I don't mean what I say now in any way that she is living a bad life.  However, she does not have the luxury I had of carrying myself to see the things I did.  Running makes me so incredibly happy.  It's my part of the day where I can just let go of whatever is on my mind and just go.  I do get the same sensation with skating.  I love it so much, but running is just me..no one else.  I have complete control over myself.  So as I ran past this woman being dropped off..I ran around the bend to where there was a flower bed and some trees and I just stopped.  For some reason I just cried.  I sat down next to one of the trees, and just let it all out..tears pouring down my face.  I'm not sure if the tears were out of joy, sadness, or fear; but they felt good.  I'm glad no one drove or walked by haha.  Eventually I stood up and ran the rest of the way home.  Never have I had a run that felt so cleansing and relieving.  Wish my brother and I luck in the half marathon Sunday.  :)
~Without the nourishment of our tears, we can never grow~

Look at me now.

There are many things in life I don't understand.  There are also some things in life I do understand, and those things, I embrace.  Of course I've been hurt before, but I dealt with it.  It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through, but hey...I'm still alive and smiling everyday.  The most difficult thing by far is to see someone you love, a family member, be gone in an instant.  I'm not a life expert by any means when I say these things.  However, these things are essential to growing up.  Just because your situation is similar to someone else does not mean they are the same.  Every person is different and every person reacts differently.  Reactions and people make up situations and these factors most people forget to take into account.  The biggest mistake in life is to run it on circumstance alone.  That's like deciding to have a bad day, because it's raining outside.  Obviously some circumstances are so great that it's impossible to surpass the side effects.  It just hurts, but it's out of your control! Growing up means making a decision YOU truly wanted and sticking to it.  Growing up means being able to deal with the consequences of your decisions, and not backing out when times are difficult.  Growing up is being able to admit that you were wrong or a complete jerk.  I think most importantly though; growing up is accepting the fact that you cannot please everybody, and that does not make you a bad person.  It is ok to be upset about something.  Do it!  Cry a river, but when you are done throwing your pity party; build a boat, clear your mind, open your eyes, and see the world.  Every upset builds us a new path to something bigger than we knew before, and every obstacle makes us realize who we are.  You just have to decide what you want and let it happen.

Don't let life pass you by.

I just came back from a really long walk.  I thought it was going to be warm out so I wore shorts.  Once i walked for like five minutes, I was just like..no, no, I can't do this...so I drove back home to change and then drove back to the park. I know..I can be an idiot sometimes.  Anyways, I found that I do most of my thinking either when I'm walking, running, or driving.  It makes sense I suppose.  So, today I was very nostalgic.  I tend to get like that when I'm tired, or relaxed.  It started off with thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.  It scared me how many times I have changed my mind about my future.  I always come to the question of why did I not pursue becoming a doctor.  Sometimes it saddens me that I probably screwed up that prospective career goal by letting life's circumstances interfere.  I guess that is what living is all about though, right?  It's about being happy with who you decide to be, making choices on your own, and dealing with the consequences.  I am who I am today, because of the choices I have made.  My first heart break really screwed up my entire life.  I hate to say that...I despise that time in my life so much.  When I say despise, I am referring to myself, not anyone else.  I get so upset that I let myself be so defeated and that I blamed myself every single day.  I did not deserve that, but these are the things you realize as you grow up.  The people in my life at the time made me realize that, and I don't know what I would do without them.  It amazes me, that we solely connect the heart with love and emotions.  The heart is just an entity that keeps us alive.  So now that I think of heartbreak...maybe it's just our minds telling our hearts that we don't know how to go on, and that message we do feel.  So in the end, our minds are what we need to focus on in times of hardships.  Our minds are what keeps us going, and we decide when we want to just let it all go and be genuinely happy.  This can only happen though the moment you stop blaming yourself and realize that not everyone is going to love you, which is ok!  I also thought a lot about skating and how it's affected my life.  I'm so glad my parents did not let me be homeschooled.  I honestly think there is no need for it.  I love skating with all my heart, and I never regret a second I'm out there.  However, I do believe in an education.  I am so glad I got to experience normal high school and college.  Maybe I don't have a normal college life, but I'm ok with that.  So maybe, skating and my attitude in the past did have an affect on future opportunities, but I don't regret them at all.  That is what life is all about isn't it?...messing up, and finding the strength to start all over again.  I would change nothing in the world for what I have right now.

SPRING BREAK

Life. Is. Splendid.  It's like splenda; sweet, but no calories! Ok so clearly, I've lost part of my sanity this past week.  Here's the deal, I had three exams/midterms this last Wednesday.  American politics was a peace of cake. Art History and my Computer Ethics classes were slightly more intellectually demanding.  My art history class is right before my computer ethics class, so I pulled out my flash cards right before class to study up.  Computer ethics was the class I was most worried about, since computer language to me is like a foreign language.  My art history teacher grabbed my flash cards from me, and I wasn't really worried about getting in trouble for studying for another class in class, but I was worried he wouldn't give them back.  I was desperate, ok!  So he didn't say anything, he just started quizzing me in front of the entire class.  I didn't know anything!  I wasn't embarassed, just panicked.  He kept laughing at me and he finally gave the flash cards back and was like, "I hope you believe in good luck". HAH. Well, needless to say,  my computer ethics exam was really hard.  When the exam was handed out, the entire class started laughing after reading the first question.  My professor is one of those teachers who picks out the most minute details from the text; changing one word from a directly cited sentence and ask if it's true or false.  Luckily, or unfortunately, the true and false questions were basically the fill in the blank questions as well.   So, if I got a true and false wrong, then I got the fill in the blank wrong as well.  What a sly fox, that guy. All I can truly hope for is that luck was on my side.  I think I did pretty well though.  I really wanted to blog earlier this week, in the mayhem.  However, it was one of those times where I had so much to do and was so stressed out, that I either did not have the time to blog, or I didn't have the energy to blog.  I feel the life coming back into me though, and I truly am happy.  I still had two classes today and I could tell spring break was tiptoeing outside the classroom door.  Kyle and I have theater class together and we usually can tell our professor's mood by the way he dresses.  When he pulls out the purple vests and floral shirts, we know it's going to be a feisty class and he's in the mood to talk a lot.  When he is sporting his glasses, we know...he's not in a good mood. So today, he walked in with authentic cowboy boots on...we knew what was up.  He went off on really funny tangents about his childhood and his cell phone.  What a great class.
On another note, it's my spring break and I'm so ready to just skate and chill, and feel like I have time to just breathe.  I'm so excited...let the shenanigans begin. ;)

Adventures in Historic Ellicott

So I just got back from a really spontaneous trip to Historic Ellicott in Old Ellicott City, Maryland.  It's such a cute, old town, or street rather, with a lot of shops and antiques.  I just got up and left, by myself, it's like an hour and a half away.  I haven't been there since I went with my family like a while ago, and I was so upset about a break up I had gone through that I didn't truly enjoy it and realize how beautiful it was.  I know that is so terrible, but you live and you learn.  This time...I lovedddd it, even alone.  I don't usually just go away to places by myself, so when I got there and started walking down the street and everyone was with their families and friends, I felt so weird.  But then I was like, whatever, I'm the same person in a nice place, with or without company, and I'm going to do my thing and enjoy it.  So I went in every single store and bought some really neat things.  I even made some friends with this older family that owned an antique shop that I think I spent like an hour in.  They ended up giving me all these books for like five dollars and told me to come hang out with them more often.  You know, it's enlightening to be able to make friends while simply wandering, and it's meaningful even if you know you are never going to see them again.  I also sat and drank my coffee on a bench for a while since it was so nice outside, and a homeless guy joined me for a while, telling me about how he would find food to feed the birds.  Well, none-the-less, it was nice to have some company :) Well that's the extent to my really random story and experience.  Also, my phone died while I was shopping so I basically lost my only form of navigation and didn't have a phone charger in my car...so it was interesting trying to find my way home.  Luckily while wandering I found a radioshack and just bought a car charger.  haha.  I guess many would say I lost it (it referring to my sanity), but I'd like to say I found it.
:D  Time to study.

Time out

I. Am. Overwhelmed!  I'm sitting sprawled out on my living room floor with my international relations book and notes and flashcards and study guide surrounding me.  I would rather sit and stare at a wall right now than study this.  It's not that I don't find it interesting, but I am just tired of reading.  I'm already so behind in my other classes.  The five class course load is starting to wear on me...and it's only March.  Spring break..save me!  Ok...it's still better than biology.  At least in this class I know that reading the material will equal a good grade.  In biology I could read all I want..or not...and I would leave the exam feeling the same way...defeated.  So..you know...writing about this is actually building my motivation up haha.  Kind of.  I had 4 hours of class today and I skated 2 sessions (my achilles is getting better!) and now it's become one of those study nights where I will read a paragraph and then NEED to make some tea, I'll make a flash card and then NEED to go on facebook, or I will memorize a slide and then NEED to take out the trash.  Take out the trash?..I never want to take out the trash...UNLESS...I'm procrastinating..I'm pretty sure my neighbors know by now when I'm studying...like oh boy, it's going to be a long night...she's taking out the trash again.  I am rambling.  Key point...I'm overwhelmed, tired, and not looking forward to this long night of studying.  I feel like the only leisure/rest time I will be getting until spring break is when I sleep, and even then sometimes I dream about my classes or skating.  Ahhh.
On a muchhh happier note...besides being overwhelmed...I feel good.  My physical therapy is painful, because I keep getting deep tissue massages and they hurt like no other.  However, my achilles is feeling a little better.  I mean, I'm not going to wake up one day with a perfect achilles, but I'll take what progress I can get.  In terms of how I've been feeling in knowing what I want in life, healing over what happened in the past in all aspects, and working towards the future...I solely am starting to believe that time does heal all wounds.  The clock stops for no one, so you better keep up.  Everything you do, the good and the bad, is yours.  You have to take it for what it is and was, and learn from it!
Ok...back to being studious.

Get Yo Sexy On

The doctor's verdict:  I have peri-tendonitis in my achilles.  However, it's the least serious form of tendonitis.  I left with the name of a physical therapist I am now going to see on Friday, a prescription for a topical medication, a suggestion for new skate insoles, and a consensus of being able to skate unless I'm in pain.  So basically, I need therapy, but I can ease my way back into skating, which is fantasticccc news! I'm a thrilled.  I feel like such an adult...it actually scares me.  I've been running around calling all of these doctors, filling perscriptions, making appointments, dealing with insurance....ugh.  Learning how to read my insurance card was terribly embarassing.  Nurse: "So what is your card number?"...Me: "Wait does it have like a letter in it?"...Nurse:"Ok, what is your group number?"...Me:"The really long one?"...Nurse:"Who is the primary holder?"...Me:"Wait. So you want like their name?" I basically wanted to die...but I learned a lot, and felt really stupid at the same time.  C'est la vie.  You learn nothing, by always being perfect.
So today we took a latin ballroom class and it was so awesome!  I don't understand why I have never taken a ballroom class before.  I did ballet for so many years, and ballroom is the complete opposite!  It is so uninhibited and I love it.  Well, at least latin is. Normally I wouldn't like it...but you just got to let it go.  If you're not feeling it, you're not doing it right.
School is going so well!  I love my new major.  I'm about to go study with my friend Lauren; I have soooo much reading to do.  However, my American Politics exam on Monday was more than great.  I freaking aced that thing.  I feel like it's been forever since I left an exam and was like boom...that's how it's done.  I wanted to jump for joy.  I know I'm special, but let me bask in my glory for a second here. I was like speeding through my essay questions, and I got a hand cramp.  So I was like shaking out my hand in the middle of the exam, and the kid next to me had his head in his hand, staring at me.  I gave him a smile.  Pretty sure he hates me, but that's ok.  Well, I'll probably be back on the ice next week and I have some more exams next week, so gotta go study!
*Life is Looking Up*

First Exam!

Ok it is currently... 10:20 pm...and I'm freaking out.  Well, not really, but I am a little bit.  I have my first exam of the semester tomorrow in Intro to American Politics.  Today has actually not been the super lazy Sunday I usually hope for.  I woke up to a phone call early in the morning from my mother about money.  Always a lovely good morning, but it happens.  Of course, I could not fall back asleep.  I had to coach learn to skate at The Pond ice arena this morning...and my achilles kind of hurt a little...just coaching!  I'm getting really discouraged about it, but at least I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and new skates on the way.  So anyways, after coaching I went to visit my friend's cat who I am cat sitting for this weekend.  So I stayed at her condo for a while and played with Brooklyn, that's the cat's name by the way. haha.  So I finally got back to my apartment around 2 pm, and laid out all my stuff to study for my exam and realized I needed to get a blue book.  Of course I was just on main street to take care of the cat, but I need to go back to main street to go get a blue book from the bookstore.  Also, I was very concerned that the bookstore wasn't open on Sundays, which would be a huge problem.  I checked online and it said closed on Sundays.  I freaked out, but decided to check for myself anyways.  The problem is that my class starts at 9:05 am on Monday, and the bookstore doesn't open until 9 am.  So, I went back to main street, and thank the lord the Delaware Book Exchange was open, and I got my blue book. :) Phew.  Of course, when I get to the parking lot on main street, my car got blocked in by all the people visiting from Pennstate?  I have no idea, but I was annoyed.  So I've been studying since I got home..with a few breaks for sanity.  I'm surprised on my studiousness today, but none-the-less..school is starting to get overwhelming.  I am already a little behind in my readings.  Even though the classes don't seem as impossible or near as impossible as the natural sciences, I just have so much busy work and papers and stuff to read.  For theatre class I listened to Macbeth on an audio text, while reading something else.  Multitasking?...I think so!  I should get extra credit for that stunt.  Ok well...I will write again about the doctor's verdict on my achilles, and hopefully I will be back to normal training...on the ice..soon.  I'm still at the rink for pretty much the normal amount of time...we are just doing a ton of off-ice, which is equally as productive.  Alright, wish me luck tomorrow morning!

drama drama drama

So today as I was analyzing the works of the Carracci's, Michelangelo, Raphael, Bonzino, and Varaci; I realized something.  A vast majority of their art portray a sense of suffering and pain.  In lecture our Professor spoke of Aristotle's Hierarchy of Genres.  The most important works were that of tragedy.  Second was comedy, followed by satire, genre..so on and so forth.  Why did society then, and even still now, focus so much on tragedy.  It's as if misery was valued.  Of course the classic triumphs and downfalls have a deeply rooted meaning.  However, does the happiness of a comedy automatically become outweighed?  If I wanted to value suffering over happiness, I would definitely sit at home alone every night and read Macbeth in the candlelight.  However, besides sliding into a definite depression, why would anyone want to do that?  Don't get me wrong, Macbeth is a brilliant play, but sometimes I feel like people think that the only valuable or good works of art are the ones that make you feel sad, or angry, or ponder the meanings of life.  I feel that something that arouses a sense of happiness and well being can be just as archaic.  Well anyways, those were my thoughts today.  It carries into skating too.  For a while, and even now, everyone in ice dance skated to drama.  Pretending like you are dying is the thing to do...didn't you know?  haha ok.  Well..also don't get me wrong, I love the drama.  I just think people lose sight of the simple, happy things in life; and forget how valuable they can be.  We overanalyze everything, and I can surely attest to that...just read my blog! haha ;)

Blue skies.

First, I would like to thank all of the birds in Newark for successfully crapping all over my car.  Really guys, thanks, it looks a lot better now.  Otherwise, I've been in such a good mood!  It's like euphoric. Haha.    I know life will always have it's ups and downs, but right now, I feel fantastic.  So school is going well, I have my first exam in Introduction to American Politics in exactly a week.  The first set of exams is always a little stressful, since you get a feel for how easy or difficult the class will be.  It's especially strange for me, since I have never taken a political science class in my life.  In the natural sciences, every exam was multiple choice and scantron.  Now in the political sciences, every exam is essay and short answer and I need a blue book?  I honestly didn't even know what that was until last year when I took my criminal justice class, and I'm a junior! So anyways, I have a lot of schoolwork to do today, and luckily we have the day off of skating..partially because of my achilles and partially because the rink has a test session so the schedule is really weird.  My achilles is feeling much much better, but I will know for sure if it is close to completely healed on Wednesday.  I know it will feel great when I skate Tuesday, which I am so excited about! Ok, well I don't really have any overly dramatic stories or life lessons for today, I just got home from class.  OH ok...a life analogy...when birds gang up on your car and crap all over it...it may look bad initially..but go wash it...renewing beauty is simple.  Haha...if only my car were beautiful to begin with.  Gonna go study!

Get up.

So life is going alright.  I can't stop being tired, but it's the schoolwork.  I'm going to spend all weekend reading I swear.  I'm not even exaggerating.  Also, I haven't been skating since Tuesday, because the tendonitis in my achilles tendon...surpriseee...is terrible.  It's been really swollen and keeps popping.  Sooo, we all decided it was better to take some time off now rather than snap something and be off...for a year. Good decision?...I concur.  I sent my skates to get reinforced at least while I wait for my new ones to come in.  Kyle and I have been very productive though in searching for music and coming up with new lifts. :)
I just came home from the premiere of Rise, the film about the 1961 crash and loss of the United States World Figure Skating Team.  It was so beautiful, sad, inspiring, and memorable.  It taught of the legacy of figure skating and how even at it's lowest time, it found it's way back up.  Skating is an amazing sport, and the film reminded me of how wonderful it is.  It captured every part of it, and I literally cried during it.   That says a lot though, because I never ever cry during movies.  I basically never cry.

Today in my Theater class, the Professor had us partner up with someone and one of us had to act out the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood and the other had to be Little Red Riding Hood.  For the first few minutes we all laughed and would growl and then laugh again as the other one would scream in fear like a little girl.  The professor stopped us and gave us an actually really touching speech.  Most may not think it’s touching..but it applies  to so much more than just acting.  It applies to everything in life.  He told us that this is our moment.  Every moment we live is ours to capture and it has to come from deep inside.  We don’t live in our minds, we live in our bodies.  The minute we think “Oh my god I look so dumb right now”….is the minute you wasted not being the best.  Just say "Thank you mind for your input. Can I get back to being awesome?" You have to be fully invested in everything you do and everything you want.  The film Rise tied in so perfectly!  I know, I know..with my acting class..what the hell is she talking about?  Well,  in Rise, Scott Hamilton spoke of his mother, who died of cancer.  He said that the most important thing he learned from her is that we are all put on this earth for only a certain, short amount of time.  It was his goal to make the most of every minute, and waste nothing.  I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he won the Olympics.  Success does not come easy, but it comes to those who do everything with purpose.  It comes to those who put on a smile when they want to cry, those who show up to the rink when they just want to stay home, or those who ferociously act like a belligerent wolf or ditzy little red riding hood while their mind tells them how embarrassing it is.  I know Rise was to honor the team lost in the crash and tell their story, which was so touching.  However, it also instructed such conviction.  Life is so uncanny, and you never know who will hurt you or what will happen.  Not everyone gets to live out their chances to succeed.  If you want something, get it.  If you fall, get up.  If you fail, try again.   If you’re hurt, keep moving forward.   Do it for you.

Just another day

Ok...it's Valentine's Day.  Legend has it that St. Valentine was a priest put in prison for practicing his Christian beliefs.  He befriended the jailer's young daughter, who was blind.  Before he was executed he asked the jailer for a pencil and paper.  After he was taken away for his execution, the jailer's daughter brought a note to her father and she opened it and a yellow crocus fell out and the note read.."From your Valentine".  Supposedly the yellow crocus was so bright her eyesight was restored.  I think for some people Valentine's Day may be really special, but at the same time I feel like it is one of those Hallmark holidays to rake in some money.  Guys feel forced to buy gifts or take their wives or girlfriends to expensive dinners in fear of what would happen if they didn't.  I don't see how one day of the year is made to show someone how much you care.  St. Valentine wasn't like "omg it's Valentine's, I have to buy my best friend a flower".  There is no right day to let someone you know you care.  Over his stay in prison, every day was a simple conversation between friends.  He made her see beauty in something simple.  Love is not an obligation.
Otherwise...school is in full force already.  Skating is back into motion as well.  I have so much reading to do.  Political science is so different from Biology.  Every class is just readings.  I also got into a theater class and had to memorize a sonnet, which I will be presenting in front of everyone tomorrow morning at 8 am.  Yesterday I spent the day walking around my apartment..talking to myself...preaching to my stuffed animal collection..preaching to myself in the mirror...so needless to say, if I forget the words in class tomorrow I can only laugh.  I already started my procrastination too!  Instead of starting my readings..I cleaned my already clean apartment, I went to the mall, and I tried making chocolate covered strawberries, which epically failed.  I put the chocolate in the microwave, but didn't stir it.  So my apartment was full of smoke.  I ended staying up so late, due to my procrastination, and today was brutal to stay awake in class.  In my art history class I placed my coffee on my desk.  The professor always dims the lights so we can see the paintings more clearly.  As I did the classic "head bob"..my eyes rolling back in my head...I hit my head on my coffee cup and the coffee went everywhere.  So embarrassing, but c'est la vie.  My professor loves me.  I clearly haven't gotten used to running around yet.  Skating is going well too.  I just ordered new skates, because I started getting tendonitis in my achilles.  It is so much better now though.  the trainer at the rink did stim therapy on it, which stimulates the muscles with electrodes.  Doesn't really feel great when you get it, but feels much better afterwards.  Ok well I need to stop writing, because I need to go read! Ciao :)

Hello College

So today was the first day of classes.  I am already exhausted, and we didn't even really learn anything yet! I had Intro to Political science in the morning and went straight from there to the rink and skated till 1:20..usually though we would skate till 2:40.  Then I had my Italian Baroque Art class from 3:35 to 4:50 and then Computers Ethics and Society from 5 to 6:15.  I also installed wireless internet in my apartment, which actually didn't take that long.  I think I am really going to like my classes this semester, but I'll know that for sure tomorrow when I have my other two.  I'm really excited for my Italian Baroque Art class! My professor looks like he came straight from a museum in Italy..but probably because he spent like six months...studying at a museum..in Italy.  The class is in an art building on campus, which I have never stepped foot in, but it was really nice inside.  The class is going to be difficult since it is like a graduate/seminar level class, but I love art so I am looking forward.  I just need to get used to running around to class from the rink again.  I get spoiled over the winter break when I just skate.  The worst is when I leave my apartment sometimes at 8 or 9 am...and don't get home till like 7 pm..and then I have to do work and study for class the next day.  Somehow I've made it through every semester though, but it is not easy.
So this is random and completely out of sync with this blog..but yesterday was a little weird.  When I have something troubling me from either the past or stress or the future...the best cure for me is to drive.  I just leave my apartment and get in my car...and drive anywhere.  Most of the time I will just play music and purposely get lost.  I'll take the most random roads, and mindlessly...somehow..I always find my way home.  I know I'm crazy...but I take that as a sign that no matter how bad things get in your mind or in your life...if you keep on going and moving forward...eventually you will find your way home.  :) I know...how does that make you feel Socrates? Ok, well ready for Spring semester day two tomorrow...and more time back on the ice.  We started doing the rhumba for short dance today.  I really like it, but it is deceivingly difficult!  Ok bedtime pour moi.  Ciao!

Welcome Home

So I am in my new apartment now and it is beautiful.  I am so happy.  I apparently did a terrible job packing, but with the help of my wonderful friends, we got it all moved out in two hours.  Jealous? haha I kid, but we actually did.  My family came today to help me put up pictures and see the place, which was really nice.  I love them so much.  I always have and always will.  I feel so spoiled, and not because they support me with skating and school and my living arrangements.  I feel that way, because they are literally the best family I could ever ask for.  I'm still young, but when you're a kid...you never realize those things.  I always hid my problems, but now I can tell them anything.  It's the way it should be.  Obviously no family is perfect...but believe me...we (mostly my brother and I)..laugh at our imperfections.  So I was like obsessed with daschunds or "weenie dogs" for the longest time.  My parents housewarming gift was a stuffed weenie dog...I named him Frank.  Get it? haha. Well anyway...he's like my new best friend...he's chillin' next to me right now.  He's actually a valentine's day stuffed animal, so he has like a heart on his butt.  Valentine's day...for the record...is a joke.  I just don't understand it.  One day designated to your loved one...defined by the gift you give them.  Stupid.  I never want to and never will celebrate Valentine's Day, but I will write all about that later.  On another note...school starts on Monday?!  This semester is going to be so strange.  I am taking five classes...none of them being science, which is a first! I'm excited, but a little skeptical.  I am taking Introduction to Political Science, International Relations, Italian Baroque Art, Computers Ethics and Society, and Studies in Jewish Literature.  I feel like I should win a prize for the most random classes ever.  I'm not buying my books till I experience each of these classes...just in case ;).  Well I need to get back in school mode like asap.  I'm still a little wound up from coming back from nationals and moving...I totally forgot that I have to be smart again.  Welcome back to reality.  It's time for college and training. Here we go...

Done

So I didn't get a chance to blog much at Nationals, because I was always so busy.  We had so many practice sessions and warm-ups and by the time friday rolled around I think both Kyle and I were so ready to compete.  We skated our best this year I would say.   For a new team, we were right where we wanted to be.  I always thought Nationals would be so nerve-wrecking.  However I wasn't very nervous at all.  The stadium was big, but everyone was so nice and I loveee skating in front of a lot of people.  The weirdest thing was probably that for free dance we skated last in our group so after our 6 minute warm-up we literally had like 40 minutes until we actually skated.  I went to the bathroom, took my skates off, walked around in my sneakers for a while, and then finally put my skates on as if for the first time.  I also loved that they played Meryl and Charlie's Olympic free dance with commentary before our group...because they both said they were dead after one minute.  Thank goodness it's not just me.  Also at the end, all Charlie said he could think about was throwing up.  Haha.  They are human.   You never know what will happen on the ice, but I knew that if I had fun and got into it...I would regret nothing.  It is so much easier thinking about your partner or the people watching then some competition.  I guess that's why I wasn't so nervous...I just skated for me.
Well to say the least, Nationals was an amazing experience and I can't wait to start training again.  However, the more challenging feat right now is moving into a new apartment on Thursday!  My room is scattered, so packing things up is going to take a while.  I'm very excited though to have my own apartment.  It's weird how life changes so quickly on you.  I can't say that I have no regrets so far.  Everyone makes mistakes.  When I came to this apartment, my life was still in shambles from not having a partner, almost quitting skating, heartbreak, blah blah blah.  However, I'm cleaning my slate.  I don't have to remember everything, but i can look back and learn.  "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.  It is about dancing in the rain" :) Goodnight

Nationals Day 1

So it was the first real day at Nationals for us, and the least I can say is that I am exhausted.  It is going really well though.  All the Juniors skating so well and Stasia and Colin made it to Junior Worlds! :) So excited for them!  The arena is really nice, but the practice rink is pretty cold and the ice is so loud!  It felt like we were skating on hollow ice.  Our practice tonight went pretty well.  We did free dance and did our full run through, which was a little painful but it went well.  However, it was expected out of the first practice run through.  Well I'm calling it a night since we have to wake up at 5am tomorrow for short dance practice in the actual competition arena.  I'm doing the draw for us tomorrow after that, so fingers crossed that I get a decent spot!

Packing

One of my least favorite activities ever is packing, or overpacking rather.  So after driving back to Delaware from my parents house this morning, coaching learn to skate, running five million errands, and going to the mall; I finally got to packing.  I have eight pairs of shoes, and I am there for like five days.  That doesn't even make sense, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. As long as I don't forget the most important things for my feet...my skates!  I'll let my suitcase sit for tonight and I will re-assess the situation tomorrow.  Last year when I went to Nationals with Kyle I had to take shoes out of my suitcase and put them in his, because it was overweight for the plane.  I didn't get those shoes back for a year, but  I already told him to leave some room in his bag for this year. Ok well two more days of training and then we will finally be leaving for Nationals Tuesday afternoon.  Fingers crossed we don't get stranded in the snow here in Delaware, but I'm positive our flight is leaving before the storm.  I am so ready to be there and compete already.  It's weird that a lot of my friends I train with are there already and practicing and we are still at home.  But soon enough! I looked at some old skating photos while I was at my parents house, and it occurred to me how much has changed.  However, if I had listened to all the people who told me not to take the risks I took, I would never be where I am now.  I may have closed a few doors and ran around in the dark for a while...but I think I finally found the door that lead me down a great path.  It just shows that you should never just be content with your life.  If you're just content, then take the risk to throw away "content" and seek for something more.  It's scary when people don't support you in your decisions or don't believe in you, but if it's something you really want, you have to go for it and make it happen.  Everyone wants to be the person who believes in themselves. I want to wish the best of luck to my friends competing Junior ice dance: Danielle Gamelin and Alex Gamelin, Anastasia Cannuscio and Colin McManus! They worked so hard this year and are going to be amazing. Trust me ;)

Simple

Today has been a long day.  I feel like this week before Nationals is crawling. I wrote a blog on Monday, and Tuesday was slightly better. Blame it on illness or nerves, but the last two days haven’t been too hot on the skating front…or any front for that matter.  However, I guess every roller coaster has to go down to come back up again…or that would be one boring ride.  Needless to say today got so much better.  First I would just like to say that Kyle is the most wonderful partner I could ever ask for. It’s ironic, because we’ve been great friends since I came to Delaware and we trained together for a year. We would always share frustrations of looking for partners.  We traveled to Spokane together to watch Nationals last year and sat in the stands.  At the point where we were both about to give up the search, our coach was like “Why don’t you two just like stroke together or something?”  We did and apparently something clicked.  No one ever thought it would work since we are close in height, but hey...it happens ;)  I’d say we’ve had about three “tiffs” since we’ve started skating together, and probably started laughing five minutes later.  Skating has never been so fun, but at the same time so productive.  He's one of my best friends.  It's weird to think we're going to nationals again together this year, but competing.  Often at the most random times we come to this realization and we'll be like..."We're skating together!"  Couldn’t ask for anything better, which goes for everyone at the rink.  So my reason for blogging was basically, because I had an amazing epiphany today.  I was at the hair salon and my hairdresser and I were talking about skating.  Right away, he was like “So, are you good?”.  First off, I think that is a terrible question.  What does he expect me to say…no?  Then I thought, well what do I really think?  Then I thought, why did I just ask myself that question?  When you’re on the ice and you’re program is going amazing and people start cheering, you know you look good and then you push it out more, and pour on the drama.  When you’re on the ice and you skate decent, but the crickets are chirping….maybe it wasn’t so great?  Does just saying that you are good make you good, or does someone have to assure you?  Sometimes we get so caught up in the details we forget to ask ourselves some of the simplest of questions. My response to myself for this worldly question of the day….You are as good as you think you are.

4 more days of training and then off to Nationals!  

Happy Monday

Skating today was rough.  Fighting a cold, but I guess it’s better to get it out now.  You can never look at a program and just think about how you are going to make it through, sick or not.  It’s not even that skating was bad, but the worst disappointment is knowing that I mentally gave up.  I know...don’t read too far into it….it’s just a day of training.  Sometimes I feel like this in all aspects of life though.  I look so forward to just the end product or to just making it through something stressful.   However, I don’t want my life to just be a checklist finishing with a check next to “the end”.  How depressing is that?!  Everything I do in life, in skating, in school; I want to feel and take full advantage of.  I want to look back at these moments and know I did everything that I could to make it the best, and I’m happy with it.  Yeahh…well I think that’s good advice.  I should listen to myself more often! Ok resting and watching Across the Universe.  Best cure for the common cold: Hot tea with lemon and cayenne pepper….and a positive attitude:) Tomorrow will be better. Ciao…

Nightmares

You would think I would have nightmares about skating, but never.  Well rarely. The only nightmares about skating are where I forget how to skate when I am in front of people.  Which I would say is more of a ridiculous dream.  My nightmares consist of one of two topics, always....tornadoes and love.   I have an irrational fear of tornados.  They are always chasing me or someone important to me, and I always wake up panicked.  The only thing I get out of those dreams is that I will never be a tornado chaser.
Love on the other hand; I guess you could say that is an irrational fear as well.  I know I'm only 20, but I've had one major heartbreak in my life.  I guess you could say I was too young to know what love was, but I solely believed I loved.  All I can say is without trust, love can not work.  I still have nightmares about that situation, and I still wake up in tears every time.  Stupid? yes, very. Can I control it? No.  Some things in life are out of my control.  I have to let it happen, and make the best out of the cards I've been dealt.  The only difference between now and then, is my emotional recovery time.  My stamina is a-maze-ing :) haha.  I always dread going back to sleep, but I have to skate in four hours.  So I just need to slap myself out of it, and tell myself some important things.  Every day is a new beginning and life moves on.   Sweet dreams.

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to no one"~William Shakespeare

Lazy Sunday

I feel like without lazy Sunday's I would never make it through the week.  So I decided to make a blog on my life as a competitive ice dancer and a full-time college student.  Needless to say, my life is not normal at all.  Well no one's is.  I never realized how difficult it would be taking a full course load and training as a senior athlete, while trying to stay slightly sane.  I am a junior at the University of Delaware.  Until just recently I was a biology major with dreams of becoming a pediatric surgeon, a gynecologist, a pediatrician, a dentist, and now I am aspiring to be a lawyer.  Life is funny right?  Every step I took down my figurative success ladder of prospective careers; I asked myself if skating was the reason.  I think that is one of those questions that will never truly have an answer.  I don't live a normal college life at all, which I am content with.  I don't go out and party like everyone else.  I don't go to my 8 am genetics class hungover, telling my friend about my one-night stand and how many shots of jose I did .  I wake up every morning, eat my oatmeal, make some coffee, go to class, go to the rink for 4-5 hours, go to class again, study, and then go to sleep.  So why the change to law?  I think I can honestly say I got lost in the dilemma of an appreciation or respect for a scientific career rather than a passion for it.  I myself have had two major surgeries in my life, and I owe my life to two pediatric surgeons.  Of course, my heart goes out to them and I could never thank them enough.  Everyone told me if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen.  Quote to live by.  I love science and respect it, but it's just not for me.  So now I am a Political Science major, hopefully specializing in foreign affairs.  I am interested in patent law...put all that science to some good use ;)
So on the skating side, my partner and I have a little over a week of skating left before we depart for U.S. Nationals in Greensboro, NC.  I'm so excited.  Truth: It's my first Nationals so I am nervous and excited.  Anxious is a better word.  We're competing senior ice dance.  So I'll certainly write all about it.  It should be exciting. I just have to survive one more week of training...I'm like ready to leave..now! haha.  So life is crazy right now.  Rescheduling classes for a new major in the spring, training and Nationals, and on top of that I am moving into a new apartment right after I get back from nationals...a few days before school starts.  So all I can say to life right now is...bring it. :)